How to Tell Other People About Your Illness

One of the most awkward and difficult aspects of being ill is telling friends and family about the illness.  Most people feel that they won't know where to begin.  If the person is your spouse or partner or a close friend, then it is usually possible to have her or him there when your doctor talks to you. That way you both hear the same thing.  If it happens that your friend cannot be present, then you may find the following suggestions useful to tell her or him what the situation is:

  1. Try to get the physical setting right - that means that you or your friend should make sure the television is turned off, the door closed, that you can each look at the other person's face easily and so on.
  2. It's always worth introducing the subject, rather than just jumping right into the subject. Something like  "I think it would be best if I tell you what's going on.  Is that OK?"
  3. If you think your friend knows some of what has been happening, then it can be quite useful to ask about that, before you go over ground that has already been  covered.  "You probably know some of this already, so why don't you tell me what you make of the situation so far, then I'll take it on from there." 
  4. It often helps to start with a preliminary statement - a warning shot.  For example, if the situation is serious, you can actually say "Well, it sounds as if it might be serious".
  5. Give the information in small bits - a few sentences at a time, and ask your friend if he or she understands what you're saying before you continue.  You can use one of several little phrases for that purpose - things such as "do you see what I mean?" "do you follow me?" "is this making sense?" and so on.
  6. There will often be silences - don't be put off by them.  You or your friend may well find that just holding hands or just sitting together in the same room seems to say more than any words.  If you find that a silence makes you feel uncomfortable, the easiest way to break it is with a simple question, like "what are you thinking about?".
  7. When you tell someone close to you that something serious is wrong with you, he or she may feel very low and depressed empathizing with your situation.  But if there is a great deal of uncertainty or worry about the future, you should not feel that you need to hide that from your friend in order not to hurt her or his feelings.  In other words, try to stay as close to the real situation as you can.

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This page was last updated: October 27th, 2004 at 10:06am.